The Softest of Sciences

My Ideas For Future Die Hard Films

A ROLL OF THE DIE HARD - John McClane heads to Vegas for a well deserved weekend of R&R, as terrorists attempt to blow up the Paris casino in protest over the latest transit strike. Only John McClane can stop them. POSSIBLE TAG LINE: “Yippee-Kai-Yay Metro Fuckers!”

BIG GIRLS DON’T DIE HARD - John McClane goes to see his daughter’s college acapella group at Sarah Lawrence… the same weekend terrorists from Sierra Leone upset about the cancellation of The Sing-Off, Sierra Leone’s #1 rated TV show, decide to attack. TWIST! Liam Neeson from TAKEN has his daughter at the same school, but since she’s an accounting major is only tangentially involved. Only John McClane can stop them. POSSIBLE TAG LINE: “Yippee-Kai-I Dreamed a Dream in Time Gone By Mother Fuckers”

LORD OF THE DIE HARD: John McClane and a plane full of British school children crash land on a deserted island in the tropics. Societies break down and the savage nature of man is revealed then terrorists from Idaho strike attempting to make this atoll a pure white haven. POSSIBLE CAMEO: Reginald VelJohnson as Piggy or Piggy composite character? Only John McClane can stop them. POSSIBLE TAG LINE: “Yippee-Kai-I’ve got the conch now mother fuckers!

BYE BYE MISS AMERICAN DIE HARD: John McClane is in attendance at the Miss America pageant MINDING HIS OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS when terrorists from both Canada and Mexico angrily storm the stage at their continued exclusion from the competition. NOTE: Possible return of Idaho group. Lots of chances for the 50 beauties to team up with McClaire to stop the terrorists, but even so, ONLY JOHN MCCLANE CAN STOP THEM: POSSIBLE TAG LINE: Yippee-Kai-I personally believe that US Americans should help the South Africas mother fucker.”

DIE HARD, SOFTLY: John McClane lay in a hospital bed. The camera never leaves his now aged and withered face. The audience cannot look away from his eyes as, one by one, we hear the voices of supporting characters from the franchise come visit him to talk of loss, forgiveness, despair. Each confronts their own mortality and that of John McClane when terrorists from the Democratic Republic of Congo stop by with some nice flowers and a card. As the sun fades McClane is left alone, as in the end, in a sense, we all are as the sun fades, and he communicates, without words, that the divorce that lead to his wife leaving him all those years ago was his fault and his alone. As a mixture of resolve and guilt flash across his eyes, John McClane speaking for the first time in the film says simply “Now I must die hard… softly…” The eyes close and a sudden cut to a young boy, a young John McClane, watching Roy Rogers in WEST OF THE BADLANDS and we hear the sounds of his mother and father fighting, his mother hurling vicious accusations of incest at his father. As the fight rages only John McClane can stop them. He does not. FIN

Overheard in LA!

Guy on phone:  It’s not about making it or being famous.  It’s great to be doing something innovative something that no one else is doing. (brief silence) It’s kind of like that Improv Everywhere thing.   I’m doing a ton of character work.  Getting deep into it.  Really physical too, like the limp in King Lear or the hump in Richard III. (silence)  I perform these street plays that I improvise.  Anywhere is a theatre, why do you need lights and tickets?  Like on buses or on the Red Line or pretty much any where in Hollywood what’s to stop me from making that a place for a show?  We’re all playing a part man!  If you don’t want to see the show just walk away or ignore me! (brief silence) It is really cool.  Thanks.  I figure people walk around all day staring at their iPhones and iPads, but nobody ever looks anybody in the eye.  So that’s a big part of it prolonged eye contact. And I try to keep it political, really shake things up. (brief silence) Like I have this whole thing where my character claims to be the guy who shot Kennedy, um there’s my monologue about pharmacology and the bugs under my skin, it’s all fast and loose. (longer silence) No, I carry around a cup and if people like it they can toss some money in there. (brief silence) No. (brief silence) NO!  You just don’t get it.  I’m not rambling on the streets, it’s theatre MOM! (brief silence) No, Mom! Stop, and I can tell by the way your saying it that you’re putting the r at the end of theatre. I HATE YOU MOM. (to girl at counter) that was supposed to be to go. (back into phone) This is why Bill doesn’t call you.  I’m never moving back Akron!